Ask Dolly Doctorb

After a long stretch of being the funniest person on those internets, the creative genius behind Dolly Doctorb just doesn't give a fuck any more.
This is goodbye.

Dear Dolly Doctorb,

A lot of people tease me at school about how much I eat. I can't stop myself, I'm always hungry. What should I do? You're the only one that can stop me from committing suicide. Please help me.
Sarah, NSW

Dear Sarah,
Jesus fucking Christ, what is this? I'm the only one who can stop you from killing yourself? Fuck, I hope you're dead already, so I can print your letter out, put it on your headstone and piss on it. How about you take some responsibility, stop eating so much, wake up to yourself and stop writing me whiny emotionally manipulative shit. God, do you understand there are kids all over the world who don't have enough food to eat, yet you think you're so fucking hard done by because you have too much of it? Pull your head out of your fat arse and realise that you're one of the lucky ones. No actually, fuck it. Kill yourself. One less useless pathetic whining waste of space to take up the time of all the people around them with their bullshit. Put some Ratsac in your Big Mac. Lace your Coke with strychnine. Do something interesting for once and blow your brains all over the wall.
I hate you.

Dear Dolly Doctorb,

I have burns on my neck that hurt when I put a special cream on them every night. They're red and have turned into scabs. What else can I treat them with?
Marie, NT.

Dear Marie,
Clearly the first thing to do is to stop putting this painful cream on. If they only hurt when you put the cream on, then there shouldn't be any more problems. If there are though, horse urine should help them heal, and have the added bonus of helping you lose weight.

Dear Dolly Doctorb,

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with my group of friends. They always seem to be bitching about someone, but they still call each other friends. What can I do to feel like I belong?
Amy, Qld.

Dear Amy,
Bitchiness can be tough for anyone to deal with, but especially so when you don't feel like you fit in. I'm guessing that you're probably fat, pimply, uncoordinated and never get any attention from the boys. Maybe sometimes you cry yourself to sleep because you know that you're too stupid to ever realise your dreams. Maybe you've even tried to kill yourself but were too useless to even succeed in that. We've all been there. The only thing to do to lift yourself out of this is to firmly quash any sense of individuality you have, and take on a new pro-active attitude towards life. Remember, the worse you make others feel, the better you'll feel in comparison!

Dear Dolly Doctorb,
I've just quit my job and I'm at a loose end. What should I do?
JM, NSW

Dear JM,
Oh, I don't know. How about you drink some beer and jerk off?

Dear Dolly Doctorb,
I had a friend who just passed away recently from a terminal disease. If it had have been caught in time it could have been cured, however no-one noticed the signs until it was too late. Everyone is feeling bad, but I feel even worse. I had a fight with her just before she died. Now every time I think of her I can't remember the fun times we had without feeling guilty. What can I do to get over this, and how can I face our friends, or her family?
Distressed.

Dear Distressed,
It must be a really hard time for you right now, with the realisation that your friend was so pathetic. You must be thinking of all those times when you thought she was really cool, only to have those memories tainted by the fact that she was lame enough to let some 'terminal' disease kill her. Do you know what doctors mean when they say a disease is terminal? That the person with the disease is too evolutionarily unfit to shrug it off. In fact, it's good that she's dead. No-one that pitiful deserves to live. The only way to console yourself right now is to urinate on her grave for being so weak, and then trying to get as much of her stuff as possible.

Dear Dolly Doctorb,
My bf and I are getting pretty close, but i'm scared that if my folks suspect that we've done anything my folks will subject me to an intimate examination, to test if i'm still.. you know.. a virgin. But I'm also scared if I don't do more than hold hands my bf might get bored, and find a girl who will put out. He keeps joking about anal, but I'm scared that it will hurt.
Anna, VIC

Dear Anna,
What a conundrum! Clearly you weren't subject to a good 'breaking in' by your father like I was when I was a toddler. Back in those days, parents taught their kids a thing or two about the carnal desires (and about internal bleeding caused by forcible sodomy) to ensure they didn't go out into the world as confused as you so clearly are. The simple fact of the matter is that if you don't let him give you a belly full of marrow pudding, let him drill for oil, or at least play his skin flute, he'll get so fed up with having to shake hands with Mr. Lincoln to crash the yoghurt truck that he'll have no choice but to break up with you. The choice is simple here young lady, spread your cheeks and take one for the team.

Dear Dolly Doctorb,
I've just handed in my thesis and I'm at a loose end. What should I do?
JM, NSW

Dear JM,
Oh, I don't know. How about you drink some beer and jerk off?

I have just started dating someone and they have told me they have genital herpes. How can I protect myself?
Jessie

Dear Jessie,
A cheese grater taken to the genitals after any contact should be sufficient to ward off any infection. Just remember to thoroughly disinfect the area with vinegar afterward.

I went down on my boyfriend and he came in my mouth. My friend told me that I could get pregnant. Is this true?
Worried

Dear Worried,
Well that all depends. Was his brother reaming you from behind while you did it? Did you bend yourself into a pretzel and spit his come directly onto your cervix? Does everything you eat mysteriously drop out of your vagina shortly afterward? I wouldn't be too worried about getting pregnant from giving head, unless your boyfriend has some crazy mutant commando sperm that can survive any hostile environment. In that case, prepare to vomit the demon baby up into a toilet in some festering crack house in about 9 months, you filthy little whore.

I keep getting this weird brown stuff coming out of my fanny. When I get it, it lasts for about four to five days and is really brown and yuk. I haven't told anyone. I'm 14 and don't have my period yet. Please tell me what it is.
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out,
How stupid are you? This is possibly the dumbest question I have ever been asked. "I have my period but I don't have my period! What is it?" Jesus Christ! People like you shouldn't be allowed to have genitals. Do the world a favour and sew them shut so you don't pass along your obviously defective genes to the next generation.

My best friend has just been diagnosed with bulimia and I don't know what to do. I want to help her but I don't know how.
Bestie

Dear Bestie,
Sticking your fingers down her throat would be a good start.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for two months and I don't like him in that way any more. I still want to be friends but he said if I break up with him he'll kill himself. But I also can't stand the thought of seeing him with another girl. What do I do?
No Idea

Dear No Idea,
As difficult as it may seem at the moment, the path you must follow is clear. You need to look at the bigger picture. If this boy is threatening to kill himself over a meaningless hussy like you, then it would be a disservice to society to prevent him from doing so. Break up with him in the cruelest way possible, preferably involving his best friend, sister and new litter of kittens in a bizarre love ritual. This is to ensure that he doesn't pull out at the last minute under some delusion that his life is worth living. And you can rest assured that you've done the right thing, and that tomorrow there will be one less whiny useless idiot in the world.

I think I had sex a couple of nights ago with my then boyfriend. I don't remember a thing, and that's the scary part. The next day, he and his friends were calling me a whore. What do you say to guys like that, because I don't remember doing anything at all? How do I defend myself from what they are saying?
Confused

Dear Confused,
I can understand why you are upset, as no-one like to be called nasty names, however, I need you to think about something. You said you can't remember anything that happened, so how do you know that you didn't actually act like a whore? Are you sure you weren't polishing guys off for spare change? Perhaps taking a double penetration for a packet of cigarettes? Was your hair all stuck together in the morning? There's nothing wrong with any of these things, just make sure that they didn't take advantage of you in your intoxicated state and 'forget' to pay you.

Why does my vagina get itchy? I follow all the steps in cleanliness and I still get a constant itch. What is causing this and what do I do?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I find that when my vagina gets itchy it's usually from one of two causes; either a simple yeast infection that's easily cleared up with a topical treatment, or those nasty mites that you get from reptilian skin contact. There's a cream for that too.

I'm 13 and have just started smoking. I've been getting head spins and nosebleeds – could smoking be causing this? I want to give up, and would like to know if there’s an easy way where my parents won’t find out.
Natalie

Dear Natalie,
I find it extremely unlikely that smoking could be causing you any health problems. There has never been a properly controlled scientific study that definitively links smoking with any health problems in humans. I think it's more an issue of foreign body insertions that may have damaged your sensitive mucosa. As for your head spins, they're probably just aneurysms. Nothing to worry about.

My boyfriend has a lisp but wants to get his tongue pierced. Will that make it worse? And will it make him a better kisser and that?
Jathon'th Thweetheart.

Dear Jathon's Thweetheart,
Your cutesy name sickens me and masks the true nature of the issue at hand. If "Jathon" was really a heterosexual, would he speak with a lisp? Regardless of his tongue-fistula interaction status, you need to know that you are merely there to provide him with social cover until he feels comfortable with 'coming out', whereupon you will be shattered to your core and will resign yourself to a career of manipulative and shallow relationships, ending your life cold and alone, surrounded by cats that watch you hungrily, waiting for you to die.

How big does a guy's penis get when erect? If it's like 50cm, where does it all go during sex?
Sally

Dear Sally,
I'm not sure about most girls, but pretty much every guy I've been with has been in the 35-40 cm range, so I'd say that this is the average. If you're getting 50cm, you should consider yourself a lucky girl. Internal bleeding is sexy. As for where it all goes, well that all depends on how much you've had to drink.

I need your help. I am 15 and need to find a rehab place that will keep me away from pills, huffing and weed. My boyfriend is going to leave me if I don’t quit, and I can’t do it by myself. Please help me. I know I’m not a good person and have no self-control, so it would mean a lot if you did this. Thanks
Scared

Dear Scared
I'm disappointed that by the age of 15 you need to go into rehab. I believe that this is the biggest problem with the youth of today - lack of staying power. I mean, put in an effort. I see so many kids these days that are proud that they have shaken the monkey off their back, and it really is to me a sign of a society gone astray. Just think, who is going to be there longer for you - your goody-two-shoes boyfriend, or the sweet cotton-wool-filled-eyeballs joy of punching a cone of good quality ganja. As hard as it is, you have to do what is right for you in this situation, and that is sticking to your guns. Janice Joplin wasn't famous for her looks you know.

Whenever I have a group of friends over, they always seem to leave things behind when it’s time to go, like mobile phones, clothes, shoes, etc. Last Thursday, three people left things at my house. By Monday, no one had come, and we’re on break from school this week.
I realize it was a holiday weekend, but it was annoying to have a little pile of other people’s stuff in my room. I had my mom take me around to drop these things off. As hostess, is it my responsibility to return these things to them or are they obligated to come to my house to pick them up?
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
I understand why you would be annoyed at this, but keep in mind that at least your friends aren't leaving pre-chewed food and chocolate surprises under your doona like my grandma used to do when she'd visit me as a child. And at least they probably don't have one too many sherries after dinner and start telling you about how your grandpa used to gently nibble on her earlobe as he ran his hands over her body, slowly going lower and lower, now do they? Look on the bright side and try to have a little fun with it, for example, switch around all the names and numbers in the mobile phones, so when Susie answers her phone with a seductive "Hey Tad, big boy", only to find out that it's her not-so-big-boy Steve on the other end, she'll learn to be a bit more careful with her belongings. Staple rats into the shoes. Smell people's pants. Put razorblades in their tampons. It's way more fun than you could ever have with your friends actually around.